Why the Beatles Rock


I love U2 and have been a devotee from early on. I adore the Stones and the Dead and Gordon Lightfoot and Cat Stevens and more recently Lana Del Rey,  The National, VAST and Tool.

But here is the deal: No one can do it all except the Beatles: It is is a bar no one will ever touch.

They are nt my foorite band but no one can offer such coverage. They can rip your guts out from your entrails or swon you and then make fun,

And why? I think it was to bless you. That’s the kicker.

I was listening to Beatles tunes on my iPod on the way over to the cafe..


The Natural

My phone is busted but when Mitch called it worked.

No man has ever had a better best friend in this world than me. 41 years. No man has more intelligence, integrity, humor, love and depth than this man. Scott Toye Mitcheel.

There is no place we cannot go and there is no one on this earth that I trust more.

I may have no wealth to show you (er…I don’t) but you cannot touch me when it comes to my friends )Scot and beyond.

Of course I must abuse him. So when I answer the phone I say “Scrotor!”

I feel certain Laura disproves.

But boys will be boys and many a night I spent in the Mitchell pad lamenetingmy feelings for Tracy Smith…

We got over it.

(Oh IO so want to grab Trevor by the bneck and say …ahhhhhhh idiot…I could save you pain…buy eh…he is just gonna buy it).

Lessons fromThe Natural:

You Just dont fit in here…

…I don’t fight it anymore. They expect this big argument.

No. I am done caring. I give some advice that is unheeded. eh… Plumbers. C’mon.

So I am “laid off” (fired) as of now.


I move on.



I have written about this before.

The funniest was PAR Environmental where I workd for the most misogynist little dick  who finally …finading no reason to fire me called me in and said “”you just don;t fit”. I had already learned effing auto-cad on my own and down the impossible – no matter. This little dick wanted something I could not give.

Gee…I wonder what that is?

It’s true…I do not fit in.  I don’t.


People look at me in $13 an hour job and they say its wrong…I dunno what m gonna do next….





Love is what we live and die for.

You do…seriously.

The Greeks had four names for it which Lewis, in his way, elucidated.  You should also read Anders Nygren and Denis deRougement, and others.

Here is the deal…agape and eros rule.

Nygren takes it into the paint when he said (in the middle of 1500 pages) “eros recognizes value in the beloved and seeks to possess it; Agape creates value in the beloved.”

Do you see the difference?

Love creates value where there is none.

2011 – Maturity, Humor, Hulk and HELP?

Three Quotes:

“Maturity is grace under pressure ~ Ernest Hemingway

“Life if viewed from a distance is comedy; if viewed up close a tragedy” ~ Charlie Chaplin


Our  first night here we  200 men were run like the bulls of Pamplona through the tall halls of the Eugene Mission. 200 men processed like cheese and I was curd 147.

They herd you into an Olde Tyme Gospel Hour sanctuary and (I am not making this up) put an old bad record of religious tunes on one of those single unit phonographs to warm you up. This is not one of the new cool units with bluetooth – this actually one that started seeing action in the 1960s (as did the record no doubt). I suddenly feel I am in a 1940s Steinbeck novel, or worse – suddenly living in Elmer Gantry and all is hopelessly lost.

But after you have been berated and send through the  Humilatior you are stripped naked upstairs and all your belongings go into a numbered bin (“You are 147”). If you are me, you look sidewise at this very moment (at the camera that is not there but should be catching all this nonsense) for a second, then slump your head and accept.

You have 3 minutes to shower and then towel off and look for pajama tops and bottoms alomg with about 47 other naked men off four steel slabbed tables.

Fun huh?

Okay…stop the music. I am 6’6” and 335 lbs at this time (much bigger boy then).

So after 30 minutes of searching diligently, I have something that will barely drape and pull possible up in various places around regions of my body.

I go to the mirror. The shirt is ripping in places and shredded in others. The pants come up to just over my knees.

I start laughing.

I look like The Incredible Hulk.

In all my raving thus far over these last few years, there has never been a place that was more de-humanizing. City Team in Oakland is a distant second – and Union Gospel Mission in Portland does not count in this category as they are simply a “work cult” treating their Homeless workers well enough to use them as labor and as a means of drawing large donations.


I was talking tonight with “Ronny” down at the river. Blue tarp, sleeping bag – who knows if they will let him camp. I brought him some pop-top soups and spoons and water, beers, fresh apples…hey…even hot popcorn! We talked a bit.

I can’t make it all better for him. But I can look him in the eye, brng some simple food and care.

It’s Good To Fear Book


Where it all began in 2009


I have feared this book (long since written) for years now . I wrote it on the run, existentially raw, at risk, on various computers and often at great risk up and down the West Coast.

I mean you would have to have been there cold, wet in a Portland doorway in a downpour ; or in Seattle with an eye gone wrong; or rolled and stolen after five months of good work and then spilled empty into the same town the woman you loved lived in…destitute.

Guns, subway trains, knives …cops kicking at your feet. Hate and loss and yearning.

But I’m cool now or you would not keep reading. No. I’m at Berkeley and hot stuff. Eh.

I once serious thought of pitching myself of the Burnstreet Bridge in Portland on a very dark night.  I have a savage self -protection module so this was rare and severe – thoughts of my only daughter Camille sobered me and weather the night.

Ther are things more important than US – like our Little girls.

Savage things happened after…next things next…maybe you live…maybe you die…sexy…but also pathetic…That’ll forge antiumantium in you.

Every storyin this book is true. It all happened –  Pinky swears.

People are afraid to tell the truth…it is not so bad…nothing really bad happens.  Maybe you laugh.

Sure, you say..”it’s easier with nothing to lose.”

True. I’ll give you that. My walking gaunt and lean in the long coat and hat at 4 a.m in the dark against four guys with golf clubs and a guy with a gun is a kinda of suicide….unless…

I had all the cards…

Six years earlier I had no idea I had any cards at all, or that there was a game..or that I could make a difference…or that…oh boy….





The Ironies of Studying Poverty

ScreenHunter_12 Sep. 19 09.31

This is one of seven textbooks for my Old Testament class at the GTU. They total ear $200. I have three major class and two smaller ones totaling 12 units – a full load.

I got some advance money for school but had some extra expenses in preparation for Fall and Winter as a Homeless person living under the Nimitz freeway. I also got hit with a massive phone bill (which is another sorry- I have since stopped the bleeding and the phone entirely – though it costs me $21 a month to silence it) and I got shortchanged $64 on my foodstamps given a mistake that was anyone’s guess. Try living on $130 a month for food?

In the midst I do find it ironic that one of my texts on poverty (which I live in) should be $30. I simply cannot afford it. I will have to check it out of the library or read it at ABSW where they keep a copy of each book in a room where they cannot be removed.

It is what it is.

I want to read this book because I will be reading from the inside – not the outside like my classmates or at least most of them.

I do not know yet if I can take out loans or get grants enough to get into the dorms in the Spring. I hope so because i am not sure about studying in camp. I am not sue about the quality of work – long term. I’m tough – but I am not sure I am that tough.

They system is not exactly working in my favor. They don;t reward my initiative or movement away from poverty in any way. If anything I put what little benefits I have at risk.

If I can get into the dorms perhaps I can get a part-time job in Berkeley. I have gone through the nearly intolerable hoops needed to apply for Social Security Insurance as I have not effectively worked since 2009 and have been disabled. But obviously there are some things I can do – just not 8 hours of anything rote.

People have no diea what it is like being poor. I never did. It takes massive planning to use all your resources effectively and at the right time. I suppose – it is like being a football team that is really undermanned and which is up against a much better team. You have to use your resources at just the right time and just the right way. Mistakes are HUGE.

If you lose a cable you just go buy anther one. If I lose one – I am messed up for ten days. It’s disheartening. I have to thoughtfully pack my two bags every day for every contingency and for all day and evening.

And I have to keep going whether I want to or not.

If I hadn’t I would not now be in Grad School, and I would not soon be marshaling my arse to go all the way over to Berkeley to the Library to read. It will cost me two yours extra two get two hours of reading in.

As Vonnegut says, “so it goes.


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