Enjoying Anotther Man’s Nuts

pomegranate

Homeless folk are very generous with each other – more-so than I think regular folk when you get right down to it (though my friends and family are more generous than most). If It is common to give a third of your remaining money to a brother or sister in need, or maybe even half (this is often only $3-$5)  figuring something good will happen soon.

It usually does.

I gave out almost my last reserves the other day. I was about to contact my parents for a small advance that would have taken days – then I got wind I may have some freelance on Monday; then I got wind my parents are in town today and wanna take me to lunch. It is possible they will lay a twenty on me to help assuage things till Monday knowing I dislike too much help (I have more to say on this later).

In the same spirit, one of my friends at the St. Mary’s shelter, Stuart came by when I was on the computer and laid some Pomegranate soaked pistachios on me. Said I’d love them.

I did.

*******

I killed it on the interview with Jawbone yesterday. If it was the World Series I went 4 for 5 with two homers – sheer muscle. I took educated chances just like I would with their products (which I had studied in great detail). I knew what they needed to do – it was all about the narratives – or lack thereof – for two of their three main products. Even their “UP” system had a thin one (nice, but thin).

When it was my turn to ask them questions about their company I went deep and found out significant details. It could actually work, though I would be single-handedly replacing an entire ad agency in-house. Still, I reasoned it was just ME against whole staffs of Lollapalooza and NPR when it came to Webby time in 2006 and Maverickssurf.com. I know content and I know audience.

I’m the idea/Vision guy – and I never lack that.

Margaret, the women interviewing me, was clearly excited by the end of the interview. Her one concern (the one at bat I did not get a hit) was I had no “metrics” from any of my previous jobs. She was going to have to run this by the Senior VP to get me to the next level. She did not seem worried.

She shoud have been. He axed me.

Was I discouraged? No.

On Wednesday I had sent my resume and 30 minutes later I had gotten an email back requesting a swift telephone interview two days later from a huge company with International business. I had gotten that interview and clearly and cleanly scorched it for 45 minutes.

I had not won the World Series – but I had played in one right out of the gate.

I would be back. I’m a contender – no doubt about it.

*******

But is that God’s will for me? Is it my calling? What of my inner calling to the Homeless that I speak of so often?

And what is up with me lately and dating sites?

Oh you don’t know about that?

Of that’s because I am writing so much LESS. And why would that be? Ohhh..maybe because of said dating sites?

Ya think?

It was causing some inner turmoil inside. ..but not for reasons you might think. It has more to do with calling and attention.

I am not whining when I say I am meant to run and run fast… I am a race car meant for high speed. I get bored easy. If I have nothing to do (and I cannot just job search all day long …you try it) I will go nuts.

Is it possible that I am lonely. Sure..though if that is true I rarely feel it. And if it was true, then when I go on these dates (and I have had many) I would certainly avail myself of the quite frequent offer of intimacy or at least a little affection. But the fact is I have only had two dates where I had any real fun and there was no chemistry there that way (very classy, beautiful and intelligent women however.) I’m too smart to produce wreckage in other people’s lives (even if they see it as “harmless fun”) – and I sure as hell am not going to do so to myself.

Elizabeth+PerkinsI really liked the long date with the woman who looked like Elizabth Perkins (dead ringer). Smart, sophisticated and funny. But…nothin.

She said it well “You are possibly the most interesting man I have ever met – but I don’t think we are headed in the same direction.”

Astute.

Now some of you are saying “what business does he have dating when he is homeless?”

What business do you have being married given your issues? At least mine isn’t moral.

(Oh that was soooo cold…but so was yours if you think about it…remember, some of you actually follow a homeless man?)

The reality is that a certain number of women will not date a man without a job because they fear co-dependency.

There is good reason for this if the man is looking for this or will allow it.

I allowed this in the past (for sure) and it hurt others and it hurt me (every bit as much).

I don’t allow it anymore, and I set the boundaries on MY SIDE of the fence so the woman has no say whatsoever. I simply will not accept any help at all – ever.

So any fear is simple projection and has nothing to do with me.

And it will be over very soon anyway.  Which makes me sad, because I liked the idea of someone liking me for me – and not my success. Oh well. .

*******

I have stopped the online dating. It was taking to much time and women live too much in fear. I have found one really smart courageous, funny, tall drink of water who is really pretty awesome – in Illinois. So that is years off. So for now I am retired.

*******

“Did you enjoy eating my nuts?” Stuart said slyly this morning.

“I enjoyed…er…the pomegranate dusted pistachio snacks you shared with me yesterday – why yes -thank you Stuart,” I said amidst giggls from older men from behind.

I am in a Senior Center but it might as well be a Junior High.

I had talked with Don last night, one of the staff members who runs the place. The first time Don and I met we got into a row over a rule he mistakenly though I had broken. I didn’t back down. It escalated – causing me to employ ALL of my best disciplines at full capacity. It ended with my “blessing him” and peacefully walking away at the right time.

When I came back that night he was right there and said “You still love me?”

“Of course,” I said. “never stopped,” I grinned and hugged him.

It was at that moment that Don knew I was his man to be “House Manager” for his dream house for homeless folk in Oakland. “You have steel man,” he told me last night as he unfolded his plans. “I wanna get this going in two weeks. You will stay for free as you run the thing. You can take the garage and we’ll insulate it if you want to give you room for your painting.”

I am also doing three websites for hire for him.

So I went from possibly making $180k to running a Homeless House in Oakland and doing my painting and websites in the span of about ten minutes.

I was actually kinda happy with the new news.

Now, I cannot explain that and I don’t have to. I am also kinda happy about not dating anymore, and no I cannot explain that either.

God is weird.

So I packed up this morning so Fred of New York and I could walk down to Starbucks and talk about the new House (he will be there too). But before we did Stuart had to pipe up one more time.

“Hey Mac!” he said loudly, “…it takes a Big Man to admit that he enjoys another man’s nuts.”

And with that everyone else went off into their morning just a little happier and laughing.

Waiting for GA

Food Bank on Fridays on West MacArthur near freeway.

Food Bank on Fridays on West MacArthur near freeway.

(Monday)

General Assistance takes a week of running around and diving through hoops to apply for; then another two weeks to get ; then it’s three months assistance (at $336.00 a month that you have to document you really earned by trying to find work. Then you have to pay it all back.)

So why do it? Operating capital – bus fares, additional food, shaving kits and toiletries, a sweater when it is cold, an umbrella or a dress shirt for an interview – BART tickets or Good Lord, maybe to splurge and take your daughter to the movies on a weekend.

One of my two guardian angels, Fred, tells me NetZero has a device for under $200 and a low monthly to deliver wifi anywhere anytime. That will leave me $135 for the month for all other expenses (which ends up really being food and coffee for the most part as I need to control breakfasts and lunches or balloon up on really unhealthy bad food full of sugar and other crap). That’s enough with foodstamps and is I start making some bank freelance.

Only once have I really needed GA before – in San Rafael (the last time I got it actually, years ago – to buy a small ASUS laptop – a little 10 inch unit that served me faithful and fast for years. It was the whole check but it covered it. It was very specific assistance and critical.

*******

(Tuesday)

There are people who have it ten times worse than I do – maybe a hundred. This is so often the case. Bernie (I will often change names) is very sick right now. He has walking pneumonia. He sits in Starbucks in a daze – not complaining – just looking like he wants to keel over. The dangerous thing about homelessness in the Fall and Winter is getting an upper respiratory infection. It is way too easy. I tale col meds constantly just to keep my chest clear. I have the sniffles a lot. If you get really sick, but not sick enough to be hospitalized – you are in for some real agony.

I talked with another guy – Stephen – who had just been kicked out of City Team. It was not for using but for some personality class with a staffer. This does not surprise me as half the guys over there seemed highly combative and prideful – the other have the opposite. I really liked Mark – he was a real pro. The guy behind him? A total Pharisee. – just looking to kick people out on an infraction. For drugs or alcohol? No for food.

Smart. Like the priest who had a problem with harvesting the heads of grain on the Sabbath – this guy is way too concerned that the Sabbath be served by Man and not that it serve man.

*******

(Thursday)

I was running seriously out of dough and afraid I was gonna have to ask the folks for more assistance – which at 57 does not sit pretty with me (nor has it ever to be honest). They have been most gracious and helped me get here and I have been frugal/careful. But you need things like “chines” – I mean some things just cannot wait y’know?

And I wanted to take the Jedi out to the movies today or to lunch – that’s a huge expense in my situation ($20) – but more hugely important.

Well the Department of Social Services came through after all my hard work (and I was slavish in my relentless pursuit to get them everything and follow up. It could have been weeks but $261.00 of my GA (pro-rated) came through yesterday which solved my other real problem: wifi time.

When I transferred from City Team over to St. Mary’s it was a huge improvement in every category but one: worktime. There I took at 35-plus hour a week hit. At City Team I was at my desk at Starbucks at 5:30 (from St. Marys? 8 a.m.). At City Team I could check in at 6:30 p.m.; at St. Mary’s I have to leave downtown at 3:30 p.m. to get back by the 4 p.m. class (mandatory). That is 5.5 hours a day,or around 35 hours a week in productive work hours.

Given my near military precision in Santa Cruz (that got me out of homelessness in 43 days) 35 hours is like putting on lead boots. It F’s everything up.I cannot get a regiment like I had in SC going when my day abruptly stops at 3:30 in the damned afternoon every day. [Like right now it is 2:40..I have to think about packing up. No worries..I can work from 5-9 tonight if I have the energy.]

So yesterday I purchased a Virgin Mingle Hotspot for $50 (not $200) and 1.5 GB of download time($25). I will prolly need more. But that means when I am at St. Mary’s I can get online. Huge hole filled. So now I have a locker, , food covered (pretty much) etc…everything but sleeping on a cot that is leave me a quadriplegic eventually (zero padding and it is not wide enough for a mutant). I am not complaining. Of ALL the situations I have been in the last 6 years this is the best i many ways – rivaled only by Mill Street in San Rafael.

I just cannot believe I am back here again. I gotta get outta here soon.

I heard back from BON.tv on my last story for them. Still not good enough. They are very unclear on what they want – just clear o what they do not want. So they have given me a new assignment. Okay. Worth a go. This one I am gonna really totally re-write – just take the original material as source only and do a completely new thing and make it sing. If that doesn’t do it then I really have no idea what they really want. Not a mind reader.

On Saturday I, mercifully, interview a long-time homeless guy here in Oakland for a newstory to be submitted to the main free newspapers in San Francisco (my buddy Fred has connections). It will appear here so we can STOP these stories being about ME.

Senior!? OMG!

Pic-01142015-008Senior!?

“One senior,” I said sliding the dollar toward the open machine on the bus.

“You’ve got to be joking,” the female bus driver said grinning, ”
how old are you?”

“I’m 57,” I said defensively. Then I realized she was flirting.

This is going to take some getting used to. I mean I am in a “Seniors Homeless Project at St. Mary’s. I can go to McDonalds and get specials. I ride the bus for a buck and when I went to the Goodwill and picked out a hoodie for $6.99 I tried it on them.

Is there a seniors discount?”

“Why yes there is.”

Hoodie was a little over $6 bucks.

I have real mixed emotions about this.

Okay, it helps that most of the women I go out with are in their early to mid 40s. Why you ask? Mid-life crisis (senior crisis?) Um no. Fact is I need someone who can keep up and is not winding down. You would have to admit I will be charging uphill for a good long while. None of this “retiring nonsense. I’m already planning on losing another 40 pounds. Why? because guys my size only last another 30 plus years if they are thin. Check it out, do the math.

Am I afraid to go now? Naw…happy to go anytime. I’m just not done yet. More trouble to cause. God has gone to a lot of trouble to keep me around and train me.

Is it possible that is alone (sans a partner? Yes. I give it odds at about 60/40 against. But that’s still pretty high.

******

Clarification of Non-Violence and Being Menacing

Being non-violent and committed to it does not mean being a doormat. And I know the distinction well. I was a doormat all my growing up (physically) and often relationally up through my 40s. I don’t do that anymore in any realm.

Take this morning. There is a loudmouth guy two cots over who likes to get into everyone’s business in the morning and is very verbally abusive and a semi-threatening way (certainly checks his body cannot cash).

Well this a.m. I am minding my own business, as I always do, quietly putting my stuff together and a little miffed at myself for not watching my stuff a little closer (my hoodie and my shaving kit have both been stolen). I walk off with my bag to deposit it on the far table and this guy pipes up about my cot saying (as he looks off NOT at me but off to nothing) “Pretty boy better get his bed put up or there will be trouble.”

Then he walks off to the locker room.

I never wait anymore.

I walk in and stand with one locker’s breadth between us to give him some space and growl low “I’m glad you know I’m pretty (pause) Best you mind your end of the street and let me mind mine.”

“Oh I wasn’t talking about you,” he stammers and tries to fill in with a bunch of nonsense blah blah blah.

I ignore. “Best to leave all of that to the staff as they seem more than capable,” I say and leave.

He is silent the rest of the morning.

No threat, no hint of violence. Just direct confrontation ASAP and if any implication at all it is that confrontation of this sort will be immediate ALWAYS. No fear.

It’s just not worth it. There is no “goodie” in it for them.

I wish I had learned this a LOT earlier in life. You cannot let things START. But I did not. I know it now and it is mostly for other people’s benefit now. Good enough.

*******

I landed at St. Mary’s because God sent two men to get me: Fred and Errol. I’m serious. Usually it is me who gets sent to go after folk – but I was lugging that huge bag and needed a case worker and all kinds of help and I had met Fred and Errol briefly one morning at Starbucks. Days later they got up at St. Mary’s and felt like “Hey..we gotta go find that Big Guy…he needs to come here.”

So they came looking for me – all the way from 22rd and San Pablo the the Starbucks on 8th and Broadway – and they found me and convinced me to come here. I had paid for that night at City Team but was NOT happy there. Same ole City Team addict mentality (which I suppose they really need to have but it really does not work for me – worse, I am almost completely out of money (last $38 and at $5 – and General Assistance still two weeks off minimum – well do the math). St. Mary’s is free).

In turn I am now able to help another brother (today) get into City Team.

It is amazing how people really do try and look after each other – the ones who are not looking to steal your stuff.

Now, at St. Mary’s I have a locker – so I am down to the backpack during the day and totally mobile. I got my Social Security card today and my replacement bank card (lost wallet) so now all I need is my denial from unemployment and 1) I can get my GA; and 2) I will be done with the bulk of my massive running around (still need a doctor). I can then finally begin the massive assault on getting a JOB (after 14 days of rigorously attacking the WALL that is the system.

Which means I am right on track. That is exactly how long it takes (and how long it took in Santa Cruz).

My spirits continue to be very high (no doubt bolstered by my visit with The Jedi Tuesday) but they were not low prior at all. I am content, making new friends and my stress level is very low.

People live is so much fear and only now – by having some of my worst fears realized do I see how really silly some of them are, and how little we really need to be happy. Of course many people have said this before – odd that so few people really believe them. Maybe you just have to see it for yourself. But I can honestly tell you, tonight my stress level is possibly lower than yours, and I might be happier and sleep better.

Weird huh?

Long term..I will need a bed, a good lamp to read by and some control over my own meals and life. But Jesus said to be content for today if we had food, some housing and what we needed for today. No one takes Him much seriously on such things – they pick and choose. They also don’t take serious when He said “the birds have nests and the foxes have holes but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.”

Church people follow a Homeless man they would surely shoo-away from their services.

The Advance

Pic-01082015-005

The line to get in the line to a get a number to sit in line at the Oakland Social Security office at 360 22nd Avenue.

“It is the blog that never ends,

It just goes on and on my friend,

Mac started writing it not know what it was

And He’ll continue living it forever just because

It is the blog that never ends,

It just goes on and on my friends…

Oakland – January 12, 2015

It doesn’t matter how I got here, only that I am here, rebuilding finally in the right city – one with a future and no triggers and booby-traps. I ahve made sure to leave those in the dust bodily, mindfully, existentially and spiritually. Santa Cruz is a dead zone to me. I may never go back., not even for a visit. It smells of death there to me.

Meanwhile, while hardly comfy I have made massive gains in the Bay Area already in just 14 days. I’m involved in the ground level of a new (incredible) church in SF (Glorysf.org), am involved in homeless ministry on Oakland (recruited by a nun) and starting to get services today via St. Mary’s (who works with Seniors in placement and services (I found out – much to my outrage that I am now a “senior” – wtf?!) The hell I am (but I’ll take all the benefits please.

So I will be homeless again for two months and must report on the daily interactions that are already so piled up I will never catch up.

It’s such a privilege and I love these folks and I also am them. People just do not understand. “Of I dunno how you handle it – such a stressor, while they live on total fear of their bosses, and of their neighbors and of most everything else – fear, Fear FEAR.

I do not live in fear. I am not stressed. But that is because I am a veteran and know exactly what I am doing. Five years ago? It freaked me. Now? Peh.

No drama…no trauma.

*******

Peacemaking…

Ethyl’s eyes are bugging out like Marty Feldman’s at the Social security office at 360 22nd Street in Oakland. You can see the line (above). Ethyl’s eyes are bugging out at the white security guard who she was arguing with. Things were escalating the way things to do which were going to end up in her expulsion and possible arrest.

I interceded with humor and asked her to tell me a story. Ethyl looked at me suspiciously, but I said something about the security guard looking alike a fat Alec Baldwin and she relaxed. I was only then I realized he was only eight feed away right by the column and probably heard me say it (crap). For the next two hours I concentrated on Ethyl and her stories. Some were quite good , funny and not a few instructive for my own situation. One had me literally laughing out loud hard.

One of my favorite moments though  was when I mentioned paying $2.10 for busfare. “Didn’t you say you were 57?” Ethyl said.

“Yeah. I’m 57.”

“You’re a senior you dumbass.” she exclaimed eyes all wide.

“Shut your mouth wo-man!” I said in mock horror “I am NO such thing! I am too young and beautiful!”

She laughed and I said seriously “I never thought of it…damn.”

Later on that evening I was back at home base recharging my phone at Starbucks (they have wifi rings that do this – good thing cuz I cannot find my recharger) and a nun walked straight over and started talking with me about the homeless situation and said I should be a part of a new project.

How do they know?

Oh I am supposed to be here. Santa Cruz is a distant and bad memory (except for the Great One and a few friends. It looks like my new love interest is bailing – I’m fine with it.  I can feel it. I’ll miss her. I liked her a lot. But I’m cool with it.

Most people do not understand that it is adversity that reveals who you are, not prosperity.

I have a bright future here. As I laid on my cot at City Team the other evening and thought about my place in Soquel with the queen sized bed, privacy, my art on the walls, private bath etc…I saw how clearly this (right now) is a huge advance forward. Most if my former life is gone. I don’t care. This new life is better- right now. Can you imagine how good it will be in a year?

Mentors

Bug

Silver and gold I do not have…but I have had the best four mentors imaginable.

I will tell you of them now.

Kevin Sinon O’Halloran took me under his wing when I was 16.

I was a scrawny kid who always came in last in running. I got beat up a lot. hey…I was 5′ 10″ and maybe 140 pounds soaking wet….

He was having his own rough-go. Just back from Vietnam his wife (who he dearly loved) left him. He needed a project and I needed a father-figure.

I shot up..and he beefed me up. No one has ever effed with me again. I mean…would you?

The Great One and I share this…he was bullied as a kid. Now we just bring the hammer….

I have always been a good photographer…so I helped him build a darkroom in his spare room. Then we played endless hours of ping-pong and darts. he used to take me to “The :Loft” in Piedmont…we would drink beer and kick every one’s ass at darts.

he gave me the gift that few people understand…he was the first man to actually take me seriously. And he took me from hardly being able to run four laps on the Clayton Valley track to running 7 miles a day…with him…and we would talk about life.

It’s breaking me heart a bit now because he has Parkinson’s and I just want him to live forever.

******

Louis Neely was my next mentor. Senior pastor at Warehouse and a bit scary to all of us (except Gildone) . He taught me more things than I can describe.

Thwy had free rock concerts at the Warehouse on Satuirdays. At 27 I was the fill in if Louis was sick or just worn out. I gave messages after keaggy, the 77s, The Rez band….and Louis ordered me to “not prepare.”

he knew I was too much in my head. So he ordered me (and he really did scare the crap out of me)…..to sit in the room off to the side and listen to the Holy Spirit and give that message alone.

I obeyed. And many were “saved.”

He was right. It was an amazing gift to give a young man.

I broke his heart when I failed in 1987 But seven years to the day we met and knelt together and prayed. God I love that man.

*******

In 1990 I had still not made peace with Louis or the Waregouse. I had hair down my backside and was …well scary.

I went to a Presbyterian church (Fremont across from Sac State) because …wll Presbyterians are liberal and don’t interfere….much.

Dr. Bob Ball was the senior pastor at the time. He is one of Doonesbury’s characters…”the Positive thinker pastor.”

I made the mistake of asking one question in a theoology class of his…he was on me at break like white on rice. “Who the hell are you?”

He was the second learned man to say “You are Hamlet.”

Well he left (had multiple affairs…geeebus)

Darrell Johnson was called to Fremont from Union church in Manila, he had been right in the thick of it…with Cory Aquino.

Darrell taught me non-violence. I have never met a more loving man – ever – and brilliant.

I was technically on his staff at the time (minor work with youth as they had killed off Larry Emery for loving skinheads and punks).

You shoukd understand…back then I was still really dangerous. Not now – naw. But in one meeting when a guy threatened another student I picked him up (mid air) and hauled him outside. he said “You can;t do this.”

“NO…I will kill you if you ever touch another person again.”

Eye to eye…he got it.

Drug dealers used to park in the far end of the Fremont parking lot. I would go over and lean INTO the cockpit “Hey…how you guys doing?”

Yeah..some part of me wanted to die..and i was angry.

Then darrell came. he changed me…week by week. One Sunday he stopped me outside Ferguson Hall and said “You know there is a new sweetness to you.” he was right.

We both had vision. I knew he woud go on to teach at Regent…I told him that before he knew.

When he left Fremont hw sat doown with us guys and gacve us 5 charges. I won;t tell you what they are…but one:
“The Church will always let you down”

True.

*******

My last mentor is Coleman Luck.

His series “the Equalizer” ithe 80s had a huge impact and I never forgot his name (it’s a pretty good name).

decades later I found him on facebook….e will be my last mentor. I trust him. he prays for me daily. he also gives me shit (in fun). He is a lvely man..who loves his wife….he is a man’s man. No qaurter…which I like.

The thing about mentors is we need them. Robert Bly talks about the “male mother.” personally…I like Goldman’s book better (a paraody of Sam Keen and Bly called “Fire in the John’)

Silver and gold I do not have and I’m prolly gonna be homeless again soon….but no man I know has had better mentors…better sons and better friends. I am truly blessed.

Ten there is Daughter…the “Little Jedi.” OMG. She always tells me the truith…then laughs. She is the most like me of all my kids….

Persistance

Tower_Of_Power-Back_To_Oakland-Frontal

I have not given up. I applied via letter to work at the Homeless Shelter yesterday…even graveyard shifts…which would be maybe $1,000 a month – JUST enough to keep this place with no money left over for extra food or anything else.

I am currently doing a re-write for a media company in China that could be a $30 an hour job. That could change things radically if I get it.

It takes immense amounts of energy to keep going in the face of such adversity – alone -. I think it is HERE that I miss Molly the most. She was my co-warrior and my best confidante and friend. Far beyond being a Lover, we did battle side by side (I did as much for her…and I am sure the last 8 months have not been easy for her either…but then she is the one being distant).

I must persist.

I feel certain this is frustrating for many of you who love me dearly. We don’t get to choose our trials. Hey…I could have cancer…or I could be where I was 2.5 years ago, stuck inextricably (it seemed) in the grip of a mental illness that was going to kill me.

I think it is hardest on my kids. How would you like to have a father who is perpetually homeless? They use to be able to point to alcohol and say that was the culprit – but now I don’t drink, I eat and excessively healthy diet (lost 60 pounds and still dropping) and I bring a strong work ethic. Still…I get laid off and work is hard to come by for a tall, white, educated male with no criminal record. And a guy with a patent and a Webby nomination.

Go figure.

It doesn’t make any sense at all and will drive me mad if I think about it, or my alone-ness or a whole variety of other things for any length of time at all.

My daughter tried to reach out to me three times last week – via PHONE!

Well, I’m not a reactionary but if God doesn’t come to the rescue here and wishes me out then I am going – leaving.

This town, named after the cross, seems to have little place for me except the Shelter. That would be my Church. The church leaders here have pigeon-holed me. I made the mistake of being honest about past issues. That was it for me. I won’t make the same mistake again in a new City.

But THIS is so PUBLIC!

Yeah and about 50 of you read it daily and I’m not too worried about that. Obscurity has its advantages.

Where will I go? Probably Oakland. Perhaps someone will shoot me. I’m slow and a very big target.

3 or so months ago I rolled into town with nothing..and here I sit…phoneless..but semi-viable…if God comes through. And yes..I hhave to put all my eggs in one basket.

Thoreau’s statement about people living lives of “quiet desperation” is not the end of the sentence. he goes on to say that they go to the grave with the “song” of their life unplayed.

I’ll Take My Mac Scrambled

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One of the first Christian poets I ever read was Luci Shaw. I got ahold of The Secret Trees at 20 and read (among other things):

We cannot
name ourselves

“We wait for God
or Satan
to tell us who we are”

You may or may not believe in a personal Devil and I don’t really care. Those of us at street level are under no illusions

When the Great Reynaldo came up to my house and we sat down we cut through all the crap. We always do. There are no preliminaries. There is no warm-up. We don’t have to and that is probably one of the many things we love best about each other. We just get to it.

Well I am a rational man. I know that I lot of what I am experiencing is simply massive changes: new job, a move, then being laid off – a shift from being in a large community where I am known to being alone in the country and somewhat isolated. Any man would have a hard time keeping a sense of center – of real equilibrium. And it was not exactly like I had a year of stability behind that. I’ve had constant change. My one constant is God.

The reason The Great One is so important is that we tell each other the Truth. Not the sort of “Tough Love” bullshit – we are WAY beyond that. That get’s done in the joking phase. No we are taking things that are far more important and visionary.

TGO can look at me and say “You cannot serve two masters” and what he means is I cannot keep wasting time on dating sites when I am actually in love with a single woman (and we all know who that is). And that is probably not ever going to work out. So best to just quit it (I did) – move on and concentrate on my One and only Master – “what you DO have in front of you?”

But STOP wasting time and being diverted. Let God name you.

No moralisms, no big argument. Just Truth. And here is the thing: no judgment. The Great One will love me no matter what I do.

I have done this as well. It took awhile for him to get it. He thought I wanted to win “the argument.” I couldn’t care less.

The bottom line is you either trust God or you believe and trust in everything else.

I can tell you that the ONLY thing that keeps me going is faith. Without it I would have taken the long swim quite awhile back…but as is I have no intention. I have things to do – things to do with TGO.

We will not be named by The Enemy. We will be named by God as painful as that may be and as costly as it is (and make no mistake it is very costly).

*******

Clarity Comes

In prayer clarity comes – often.

Get back to what works – diet and exercise and a regiment. Service – through Feeding the Spirit. Get to the new Church (where I have not been labeled). Admit that my heart is given to one woman already and accept the relationship as it now lays (for God’s sake do NOT seek anything new).  Cultivate your devout side. Work hard at the new job God provides. Keep it simple.

This blog used to be a lot funnier (or funny). I’m sure it will be again. This is a serious time.

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