I have not given up. I applied via letter to work at the Homeless Shelter yesterday…even graveyard shifts…which would be maybe $1,000 a month – JUST enough to keep this place with no money left over for extra food or anything else.

I am currently doing a re-write for a media company in China that could be a $30 an hour job. That could change things radically if I get it.

It takes immense amounts of energy to keep going in the face of such adversity – alone -. I think it is HERE that I miss Molly the most. She was my co-warrior and my best confidante and friend. Far beyond being a Lover, we did battle side by side (I did as much for her…and I am sure the last 8 months have not been easy for her either…but then she is the one being distant).

I must persist.

I feel certain this is frustrating for many of you who love me dearly. We don’t get to choose our trials. Hey…I could have cancer…or I could be where I was 2.5 years ago, stuck inextricably (it seemed) in the grip of a mental illness that was going to kill me.

I think it is hardest on my kids. How would you like to have a father who is perpetually homeless? They use to be able to point to alcohol and say that was the culprit – but now I don’t drink, I eat and excessively healthy diet (lost 60 pounds and still dropping) and I bring a strong work ethic. Still…I get laid off and work is hard to come by for a tall, white, educated male with no criminal record. And a guy with a patent and a Webby nomination.

Go figure.

It doesn’t make any sense at all and will drive me mad if I think about it, or my alone-ness or a whole variety of other things for any length of time at all.

My daughter tried to reach out to me three times last week – via PHONE!

Well, I’m not a reactionary but if God doesn’t come to the rescue here and wishes me out then I am going – leaving.

This town, named after the cross, seems to have little place for me except the Shelter. That would be my Church. The church leaders here have pigeon-holed me. I made the mistake of being honest about past issues. That was it for me. I won’t make the same mistake again in a new City.

But THIS is so PUBLIC!

Yeah and about 50 of you read it daily and I’m not too worried about that. Obscurity has its advantages.

Where will I go? Probably Oakland. Perhaps someone will shoot me. I’m slow and a very big target.

3 or so months ago I rolled into town with nothing..and here I sit…phoneless..but semi-viable…if God comes through. And yes..I hhave to put all my eggs in one basket.

Thoreau’s statement about people living lives of “quiet desperation” is not the end of the sentence. he goes on to say that they go to the grave with the “song” of their life unplayed.


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