Persistance

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I have not given up. I applied via letter to work at the Homeless Shelter yesterday…even graveyard shifts…which would be maybe $1,000 a month – JUST enough to keep this place with no money left over for extra food or anything else.

I am currently doing a re-write for a media company in China that could be a $30 an hour job. That could change things radically if I get it.

It takes immense amounts of energy to keep going in the face of such adversity – alone -. I think it is HERE that I miss Molly the most. She was my co-warrior and my best confidante and friend. Far beyond being a Lover, we did battle side by side (I did as much for her…and I am sure the last 8 months have not been easy for her either…but then she is the one being distant).

I must persist.

I feel certain this is frustrating for many of you who love me dearly. We don’t get to choose our trials. Hey…I could have cancer…or I could be where I was 2.5 years ago, stuck inextricably (it seemed) in the grip of a mental illness that was going to kill me.

I think it is hardest on my kids. How would you like to have a father who is perpetually homeless? They use to be able to point to alcohol and say that was the culprit – but now I don’t drink, I eat and excessively healthy diet (lost 60 pounds and still dropping) and I bring a strong work ethic. Still…I get laid off and work is hard to come by for a tall, white, educated male with no criminal record. And a guy with a patent and a Webby nomination.

Go figure.

It doesn’t make any sense at all and will drive me mad if I think about it, or my alone-ness or a whole variety of other things for any length of time at all.

My daughter tried to reach out to me three times last week – via PHONE!

Well, I’m not a reactionary but if God doesn’t come to the rescue here and wishes me out then I am going – leaving.

This town, named after the cross, seems to have little place for me except the Shelter. That would be my Church. The church leaders here have pigeon-holed me. I made the mistake of being honest about past issues. That was it for me. I won’t make the same mistake again in a new City.

But THIS is so PUBLIC!

Yeah and about 50 of you read it daily and I’m not too worried about that. Obscurity has its advantages.

Where will I go? Probably Oakland. Perhaps someone will shoot me. I’m slow and a very big target.

3 or so months ago I rolled into town with nothing..and here I sit…phoneless..but semi-viable…if God comes through. And yes..I hhave to put all my eggs in one basket.

Thoreau’s statement about people living lives of “quiet desperation” is not the end of the sentence. he goes on to say that they go to the grave with the “song” of their life unplayed.

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I’ll Take My Mac Scrambled

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One of the first Christian poets I ever read was Luci Shaw. I got ahold of The Secret Trees at 20 and read (among other things):

We cannot
name ourselves

“We wait for God
or Satan
to tell us who we are”

You may or may not believe in a personal Devil and I don’t really care. Those of us at street level are under no illusions

When the Great Reynaldo came up to my house and we sat down we cut through all the crap. We always do. There are no preliminaries. There is no warm-up. We don’t have to and that is probably one of the many things we love best about each other. We just get to it.

Well I am a rational man. I know that I lot of what I am experiencing is simply massive changes: new job, a move, then being laid off – a shift from being in a large community where I am known to being alone in the country and somewhat isolated. Any man would have a hard time keeping a sense of center – of real equilibrium. And it was not exactly like I had a year of stability behind that. I’ve had constant change. My one constant is God.

The reason The Great One is so important is that we tell each other the Truth. Not the sort of “Tough Love” bullshit – we are WAY beyond that. That get’s done in the joking phase. No we are taking things that are far more important and visionary.

TGO can look at me and say “You cannot serve two masters” and what he means is I cannot keep wasting time on dating sites when I am actually in love with a single woman (and we all know who that is). And that is probably not ever going to work out. So best to just quit it (I did) – move on and concentrate on my One and only Master – “what you DO have in front of you?”

But STOP wasting time and being diverted. Let God name you.

No moralisms, no big argument. Just Truth. And here is the thing: no judgment. The Great One will love me no matter what I do.

I have done this as well. It took awhile for him to get it. He thought I wanted to win “the argument.” I couldn’t care less.

The bottom line is you either trust God or you believe and trust in everything else.

I can tell you that the ONLY thing that keeps me going is faith. Without it I would have taken the long swim quite awhile back…but as is I have no intention. I have things to do – things to do with TGO.

We will not be named by The Enemy. We will be named by God as painful as that may be and as costly as it is (and make no mistake it is very costly).

*******

Clarity Comes

In prayer clarity comes – often.

Get back to what works – diet and exercise and a regiment. Service – through Feeding the Spirit. Get to the new Church (where I have not been labeled). Admit that my heart is given to one woman already and accept the relationship as it now lays (for God’s sake do NOT seek anything new).  Cultivate your devout side. Work hard at the new job God provides. Keep it simple.

This blog used to be a lot funnier (or funny). I’m sure it will be again. This is a serious time.