Our Love Affair


“Life can only be understood looking backwards but must be lived forwards.”


Typical. Guy was all stooped over at the end. And alone, wretched and tortured.

He was the “knight of faith,” I’ll give him that and that is everything in light of eternity which is what Kierkegaard was always playing for. He was/is the most consistent man who ever lived in my book (which is considerable if you take into account that I ledger William Law, Pascal, Bernard, Aelred, St. Francis, The Desert Fathers, Augustine, the English Puritans, all the biblical writers and the heavyweight s of the 20th Century into ready account).

SK stands alone…poor bastard.

Me? I’m the opposite. 30-something guys who are cool can’t help but comment ”Man..I love that look”

The fedora, the long coat..hey…and the silver MacDonald kilt pin…classics for 30 years…Grl at Starbucks this a.m..”that is soooo kewl…”

Yeah.I am so “keeewl”

‘m no Kierkegaard. I cut corners.

I made ONE right choice. I decided NOT to indulge myself in self pity and blame God and blah blah blah two months ago. I went back to the faith of my youth and BELIEVED. And God did not disappoint me.

That is all. Other than that I just a big jerk.

In fact, as I looked after other people and loved on them He took care of my every need and I had no need to ever have any anxiety at all. And I didn’t. I never worried at all.

I have never been in more peril and never worried less.

And last night I came HOME.

There was a card waiting for me from Jim and Kelly quoting Isaiah 32:18 “My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.”

They have worked hard to prepare this place. I’m a mindful guy…so I see their care everywhere.

I do not deserve this place…but I am grateful to my Father for providing


So it is inevitable right…I’m a single guy who is no longer homeless. I have a job..I have a place..I am tall, handsome and viable. Don’t think for s second that women do not pick up on this immediately.

I was “homefull” all of ten minutes and this gorgeous Hispanic doll WAITED in the parking lot to give me garlic for my clams.

I’m serious…For my clams.

You cannot make this scabula up.

We had been in line and she was noting my frozen stuffed clams as I as noting her utterly dangerous curves. YIKES!

“I really need garlic for these” I said half-hearted.

“And you need lemon,” she said.

I looked off to the side like Magnum cuz  there is nowhere fo me to go with this stuff….

I made a joke…

Ten minutes later she pulled up net to me in the parking lot and handed me garlic in a handkerchief. “For your clams. The name is Trisha.”

Then she drove off.


 I know…I know…


So you wanna know how it went when I left the Shelter. Don’t you?

I had seen Michael downtown (in  a wheelchair) and Big Mac told me he had his eye on a corn-cob pipe and I told him “no way” that I had one on order form eBay for him. He laughed and I am gonna deliver.

These are MY PEOPLE. And I am theirs


Two months…almost..I came begging for a bed and slept out in the trees that first night and poor Shawn was attacked by racoons…hahha. I had one pair of shorts (on me) and two pair of undies and two shirts. I was demoralized and and heart-sick and beaten from the desert and time with mad-men on the road who fed on rage.

I needed a day off and I was not given one if you remember. God said ..”Yer number is up and I need you on duty today.” Four a.m. A woman crying her eyes out over a lost son….

Two months later I have to say I have the richest life you can imagine. Sure, it lacks the woman I love…that chapter is not over …and groans…

I go home and hang up my coat and hat. Later today I am gonna ask Jim to help me move my stuff here…my books. I better get used to it.

I always had this fantasy about being a monk…having a place in the country alone with my few books and just time to meet with people.

Be careful what you wish for…

To which you are gonna say…with The Great Reynaldo (who has been POUNDING this theme…you cannot serve two masters!”.

And it does not matter a whit that he may serve 57 masters – makes no diff….he is as close to the real answer as I am. We are THAT close.

And it would be so much easier if God would just tap the Red-Head on the shoulder and say “it’s time”…but it is not time. No…not yet. Even I know that.


Here is what I know people: Our love affair is with GOD.

If you think it is anything else you are severely deluded and in a cloud of unknowing.

All arguments whittle down to one argument. It’s what I call “the running argument.” You know it is because you have it – all the time – maybe daily. If not daily? Often. Always at crisis time. .

Simple as that. Ten out of ten times, 99 out of 99. Is what it it is.


“What am I gonna do now?” The Great one asked as we packed my stuff into Shaun’s car.

Like me he has abandonment issues. He is my brother. Words are cheap. Actions and presence are real.

When I wake up in the morning I think of God first. I cannot explain this. I did not intend this or read a book about how to make this happen.

Next I showered. I thought of Reynaldo.

You cannot understand. Truly. You can’t. This is why God became flesh and dwelt among us…so we know that God understands EVERYTHING that we go through and still loves us.

I stood in my shower and all I could think about was how much I wanted Reynaldo to be able to take a 40 minute shower in my new bathroom…take all effing day dude…I don’t care.

That is what I care about.

As the Great One would say “EFF Y’all.”


I am limited. I have just a few people God has called me to walk alongside and love. I am gonna do that.

It’s 5:45 and I have not slept…gonna be a long day…


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Dianna Lubeck
    Oct 20, 2014 @ 19:43:36

    ‘All moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.’


  2. Elizabeth Bernard Higgs
    Oct 28, 2014 @ 22:40:02

    Beautiful, Mac.


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