LONELINESS

208060_10150155142679080_413663_nI have avoided this topic all along for an obvious reason: it lends itself to self-pity and introspection and those are both unattractive and self-defeating. But today seems a good day to tackle it.

I’m not new to it. I grew up lonely and that explains my propensity for depth in relationship…and perhaps longevity. My friendships tend to be for life: Mitchell and Smith over 40 years; Mark Miller (just got reacquainted since 1978) Roe and Scott 35 years; others who show up often on Facebook like Jill and John Spritz have known me since the 80s. Paul Standing knew me in Jr. High (we used to play Strat-o-Matic in the summers at his house and watch Brooks Robinson suck-uo everything hit anywhere but out of the park in the World Series) – and then other amazing folk new and old like the Wademan, Mies Saunders and then friends I have never ever even met in person but who I have come to depend on as if I very much had (Dodge, Jenness, Higgs etc…)

Doesn’t sound very lonely does it? But one things they all hold in common – haha – they always move away (well all but Roe and Scott).

To say I had “abandonment issues” would have been an understatement.

Now I just walk alone. Always.

It is an odd thing for such a social guy. But people sort of understand inherently that I don’t fit in.

And I have been fired from more jobs not because of bad job performance but for just that reason.

“Yer letting me go why exactly?”

“Well, you have done a good job…but somehow…er…you just don’t fit in…”

At least five jobs I have lost that way.

Sometimes they have tried to make it hard on me first – which only makes me try harder and get better. This REALLY pisses them off. Finally they call me in and fire me ANYWAY.

Now I bring this up because I have started to try and date again.

And you already (if you have been reading) know the semi-humorous initial occurrence that happened a week ago Sunday.

Well I cannot really comment any further except to say that I am now seeing clearly that the  more women I date the more bright futures they will have with OTHER men that will not be me.

Do NOT feel sorry for me. I do not.

The same God I trust with all of the mess I have been in, I trust with my loneliness and my desire for a relationship of real depth and meaning. And it is not like I walk around FEELING lonely. It is more like I walk around feeling like I SHOULD feel lonely. It’s more that I am bored…I mean women are interesting…getting off work and walking around and then flirting online is boring. I’m much better in person. I have a lot more GAME.

In fact it is so odd. But because of the meds, lost weight and diet, I have never been clearer, faster, stronger and felt YOUNGER than I do right now – at the age of 57. It is uncanny. That is how hampered I was. I am literally in a re-birth… yet with all the accumulated wisdom and experience.

But God is not really letting me pitch. Or when He does he trots out the Red-Head just before I pitch in order to discombobulate me and remind me that the woman I am really in love with is not quite ready to re-engage and maybe won’t be for a good long while (or ever – it’s out of my jurisdiction).

It really throws off my curve-ball.

“So take that Mac.

“Meanwhile..why don’t you paint, or write a book on Ernest Becker…or get a dog and walk him on the beach and lose another 35 pounds. Look…here is a sanctuary up on a hill overlooking a floodplain like your old Cold Barn Studio…see? Take the peace I give and live with it. I’ll take care of the girl because your track record stinks dude.”

Do we ever really listen when God speaks?

Trying to.

And when I don’t…He just sends torpedoes into my various plans. It’s not mean. It’s almost entertaining to watch.

And I can tell you this…I am never lonely when it comes to God. Now explain that to me. Others wrestle with His existence and agonize and me? I am so far beyond that I cannot even relate. And I am beyond the anger about His “effing with me” too. No…this is new territory.

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