Grinding It Out


Work Life: Eh…it’s a clock-watching job, which is not my fav. Much prefer task/project oriented. I wait long periods for the phone to ring doing nothing then I make rookie errors which I am called on. It doesn’t matter. Think Shawshank only without anything really bad, terrifying or fearful: this job is simply my “rock hammer.”

I have made huge progress. 2 years ago, having no job but just starting the meds I used to wake up and hide under my covers – in my beautiful room with the view of the Pacific and my amazing roommates who loved me. I had a girlfriend who loved me too and nothing to be afraid of – yet I was scared a lot.

This morning, waking up at 4 a.m. I pulled the sheet up over my head not because I was scared, but because it was a little cold. I prayed. I was not scared at all of the 60 other men around me in my room., nor of the day ahead (a new job, being alone…so many uncertainties). I prayed for a few moments then got up to get the morning rituals done before others got up and clogged my day.

I was at the bus stop at 6:15 in the dark. Damn thing doesn’t come till 6:45!

Santa Cruz is lazy. I am not.


Home Life: Things woke up tense on Sunday. people were screaming obscenities at each other by 6:02 in the a.m. and winding up for a full day of making each other pay for other people’s sins – or their own.

One guy was drunk and got into it with another guy…before long he picked up a bottle and threw it into the other guy’s face.

Four police cars came pitching wildly into the lot within two minutes and the perp had hold up in one of the back housing units. Ambulances followed and they took the other guy off. They finally arrested “Bill the Hippie” and took him away.

I had remarked earlier to a resident not “to underestimate the power of despair and hurt” in people’s lives to fuel their anger.

As for me, you will note that I am not writing as much. I am still doing as much as I can around the place – well, maybe half as much – it;s hard when you get up and gone at 6-ish and get “home at 8-ish every day. Fact is, within as little as two weeks I could be living in Aptos, Capitola or Soquel (nearby work).

I have mixed emotions about leaving Santa Cruz. Originally (six weeks ro so ago) if you remember, I had some plan to stay and do real service here – to get support for a transitional house for the homeless. Then the reality came crashing in that church leaders in this town will never accept ME as a leader. they know too much about me and my past and despite all of their supposed “theology” – its bullshit. All things do NOT become new; they do “judge men and women according to the flesh” and worse, by their past and not by what is the reality NOW.

They have no faith whatsoever that Jesus ever changes anyone or anything on this side. Thus they must try to control things as best they see fit.

It would be very funny if it were not so very deeply sad.

My choice is simple – stay here in a town that has few if any real job opportunities for a guy like me, and in a somewhat incestuous church community where I am already a branded man (simply becuse I was honest – what an idiot) – OR – work a good job here while interviewing in the Bay Area, get a great job there – move; then get into a community where no one has the slightest idea who I am except who and what I am TODAY, NOW – which is all that matters.

I’m not ever even gonna mention that I used to battle alcohol, that I take meds for a mental disorder, that I used to be a pastor or have any training, wrote books…blah blah blah. It doesn’t matter.

All they will see is a regular little taller than usual.

All the other does is invite people to label and negate you (Kierkegaard).

You don’t negate me. No..but that is because you do not live nearby. Interesting huh? Everyone loved Van Gogh, but I wonder if they would let him sleep on their couch…

Eh? I couldn’t hear you? (kidding)

Well and my writing isn;t going to be as good now…cuz it is done on a break…haha.  Time to go back and work with that rock hammer…


I’ll miss the beaches here after I go…and many of the homeless folk I see every day, and my psychiatrist…but not much else.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. greg
    Oct 02, 2014 @ 21:40:12

    Radical Self-Acceptance. Only Chance?


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