Rocked but not Moved, Sad beyond Tears

battleIt was bound to happen, and I am still reeling on this day when I should be most rested and relaxed.

I have done all I can all weekend long to recover: I slept, napped, ate well, took time off alone…prayed…kept quiet and alone.

I figured my limitation at the shelter was 4-6 weeks and I would begin to fray. It has been about 5 weeks and I got rocked the other day when a man I thought was my friend confessed that he hated me. He hates me because I am white. It is simple racial hatred and I watched it burn in him like an unquenchable fire that made me irrelevant. He was overcome with it. I did not exist.

I stood up and walked away without a word. There was absolutely nothing to say to such rage. Not by me. Only Jesus know what to say to that and last time I checked I am not Him.

I have nothingagainst the man, and I sure as hellfire am not gonna ever be his mirror. No – you can keep every simgle ounce of that hate to yourself. I want no part of it. And I won;t sit down with you again and listen to you again.

I am not built for it. Listen to your pain? Sure; suffering? Sure. But take your rage? Go sell it to someone else. I have no time for you. or your self-justified abuse – ever.

*******

Since then I am more sensitzed to the mass amount of anger at the Shelter. I see how toxic it is and how unprotected the people really are.

And there is no help on the way. I asked local churches for shampoo and they made it an issue about ME. Typical.

And all the while, as they let their agendas be known for me (which are irrelevant as I have no life, no active addictions, no woman, no anything…) they have never once even invited me to their church. One of them even told me that he prefer it if I go to the other church (which has made me most unwelcome) and when I called him on his lack of logic in the most straight terms he accused me of being “sharp-tongued.”

No. If you have read me for any period of time you know what my being “strong-tongued” is. This was just asking a logical question.

*******

Today is the first day of my job at the plumbing company. I made sure to get 8 hours sleep/. I got on the early bus today to do a dry run for tomorrows earlier start time. I work M-F for a month. Then weekends in a month. It’s a good wage’ a living wage for a single guy in Santa Cruz who lives like Ghandi. I can think about Bay Area and a much better job after I do this one well for a good little while.

If I am blessed I might even have my own place in a month or so.

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