….Sideways and Stupid Part II

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Many hours later I was laying out at Crissy Field in SF with Miss Z, who bears more than a passing resemblance to Charlize Theron –  a real stunner and she had eaten enough brie and fruit, and had enough Savingnon Blanc, and I had had the same (only vitamin water) and she lay back on my chest and we talked for awhile in the sun (she wearing my hat).

Perfect day with the Golden Gate Bridge off to the West and swift sail boats cutting back and forth in front of the yacht club. She uncoiled and arched her long body up and over, kissed me and smiled. Later we held hands walked through the City.

It was a nice day to get away from it all.

But by the time I got of the Caltrain, the sideways/stupid disease was creeping back into me!

I left my hat – my fedora right there at the bench. I was tired and as I have said before – you cannot afford a mental lapse – ever.

Now I just have to let it go  until I have an extra $36 laying around.

Was it worth it? The bus and train tickets etc…all the way to SF? Yes. You cannot allow “shelter” to get into your head. You can serve those who are there but never allow yourself to develop homeless mentality. That ‘s as good a reason as any for me to date attractive interesting women while I hve no home, car or money. It is not WHO I AM.

And it is also not boring.

********

4:30 a,m. at the Loft. Shaving kit by Scott Dodge.

4:30 a,m. at the Loft. Shaving kit by Scott Dodge.

You, dear reader have questions.

DO they know?

Of course they know. Don’tt be silly. They know all. And any woman who does a knee-jerk because I don’t have a car and temporarily no abode is not gonna work for me long-term anyway.

I had someone once who cut me lose (after over a decade of marriage) pretty much as soon as the Big Job went away – or in fairness, put impossible screws to me that I could never accept, then took half of my stuff – while it was a lot of stuff – and left me emotionally destitute at my post vulnerable point.

I’d rather be loved for who I am inside now, thank you. The other will surely come.

Do I accept help?

Not anymore. I have in the past and it was a mistake after a short time. So now I do not. I get help from God through whatever means God sees fit. I earn my own way.

*******

When I got back, the next morning the same guy who had wanted to fight me was sweeping again. With guys, and their is pride, there is a fine line – you need to communicate that you have definite boundaries  but also that you were wrong in not showing respect and care in a situation. Humility and strength need to be shown at the same time.

I grabbed my chair when it was close by.

“Let me get this outcha way,” I said

He swept past, and I put the chair down and sat. “and hey. I’m sorry about yesterday. Yer just trying to do your job.”

“I’m sorry too.” he said.

And that was that. No bigs.

The big girl with the stuffed animals was back from the hospital. J has calmed down and did not get permanently kicked and I think my friend M, who works graveyard at the desk, will not quit. And he Great Reynaldo and I had a great time of fellowship yesterday discussing Romans 1; our errant egos, and how to keep it pure (so far as it depends on us.

*******

My Ex-wife called me on the train and has asked I be more involved with Daughter’s life in Alameda. Couldn’t be more perfect timing. My old issues that might have hung things up on my end (self-pity, living in the past) have now been decimated). I am clear and want no part of them again. We simply move forward.

Will I consider a move to the Bay Area? Well if Santa Cruz jobs do not pan out (and they should bloody well pan out) then I will I suppose. I’d miss the ocean and a few friends. But the two churches  I looked to here have turned their backs on me for not “doing things their way”  (utter sobriety and service be damned! The want me to not drink their way…geeebus. Go help someone with real problems…) – and one even accused me of a “sharp-tongued letter” which was anything but (I believe I employed logic, which – I suppose – many a Santa Cruz pstor might find something akin to a blistering attack.).

So I leave it all in God’s hands. because I am still utterly available to do my own stupid things.

The other day I saw a guy on the laptop in the corner and thought “I’m okay with Reynaldo using it, but loaning it out?”

I went to Reynaldo’s office (The red Caddy) and started to say “Hey, I don’t mind you using the bakup laptop all the time, but maybe watch who you loan it too, and…’ and the further I got into it..the more he looked at me like an alien speak swahili, the more obvious it was that I had made a huge and serious (and stupid) mistake.

I tried backtracking…er…no go.

FInally, (Magnum head slump) I just said “I’m stupid…I got something in my tiny little brain and didn’t think it through…I’m sorry….what a moron.”

He laughedthat big garrulous laugh.

He could have rubbed it in for an hour about my thinking for a millisecond he would loan out the backup laptop to someone else. He had mercy on the Macman.

********

Today I get my photo ID so when the gate comes down I can come in and out. It is a bad idea and closer to total incarceration of the homeless.

There is a protest tomorrow at the police station about brutality, the beatings an how they confiscate people’s hard-won equipment.

Apparently there is one officer in particular who has it out for the homeless. I will report back tomorrow after the protest (with photos). I also was interviewed for a radio program yesterday (with my full name) on police brutality. I said I had experienced none, but also that I looked the east homeless of just about anyone – always clean-shaven, in nice clothes and educated and erudite. I said I had heard many reports working security at HSC and that I believed them.

Then I remembered the guy at Reynaldo’s church who asked me “Have the police hassled you much?”

“Why would they ever do that?”

Let my clothes get dirty, no money for a razor and wake me up after ten days sleeping in the park?  I might get an interview by the police..might get my stuff taken (this blog might fall silent – and I might get the skabula kicked out of me or simply having no where safe to sleep.

.Second interview will lead to a decision this week. I would start next week; get a check two weeks later…That is October and my time is up. If I get a two week extension then I come out with maybe enough for the chepest room in town ($600) if they don;t require much deposit). Otherwise I am on the street while working.

What kind of logic and foresight is this that provides homeless housing with no possibility of earning enough to transition out ubless you have optimum circumstances and even them, only with incredible luck, timing and if nothing goes wrong.

Are these people THAT stupid? Or is there a whoe other agenda entirely??

Is it possible Santa Cruz neds the Homeless to draw in Federal and State money, as well as large donations – for itself and it’s own well-being?

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