cool hand

I have bed 11, which along with S’s bed across the way are the two best petrie dish beds in the whole “Loft”. No ventilation, up high and in the darkest part of the place.

I am doing everything else I  can do. I have a near perfect diet (no sugar, gluten, dairy) and no active addictions to anything (alcohol, drugs, caffeine, sports drinks). I hydrate constantly, I walk (even with the heal spur) at least 2 miles a day. I take vitamins. I am dropping weight etc…blah blah blah.

But I really worry about an upper respiratory infection. There are 10 guys coughing all night long and I am in bed 11. Worse, it is HOT. I sleep uncovered all night long.

Now some of that is just me. I always have run a good 8 degrees hotter than everyone else. I am Scottish and Swedish – there ya go. I should be on “the Wall” in Game of Thrones, not cooking  in a tropical stew in Santa Cruz.

I lay there, sweating and think of Paul Newman – Cool Hand Luke – in that awful prison – and then in the BOX. Okay, this is nothing.

Today at 1:30 I finally am supposed to get assigned a permanent (30-day) bed so I do not have to do the nightly lottery. I am gonna ask for another bunk but I know the answer already – “you should be grateful you have a bed at all.”

Being educated is of no value at all around here except you get to see the bullet four feet out before it hits you, then realized what it is doing as it rips through you. But you have no real advantage at all. Irony…that is your only solace.

Well that and not making really dumb choices.

Because there is another kind of body heat here: people being bored have two past times: weed and sex. I am told that I can get either anytime I want . I do not want.

Not that I begrudge others these things – I just think it is not helping. It would not help me – in fact it would utterly disquiet and derail me. The first (weed) I could not do because ganga has a tendency to make me narcissistic and anyone who knows me understands I need no encouragement at all in THAT arena.

And in the second, I have already seen too much and understand too deeply that what we want is true and lasting connection. Or as I have written elsewhere, “If you are having ‘casual sex’ you are not doing it right.”

So that leaves me out on both. Thank God I am 57 and things start slowing up for a man (grins). Like not everything is a fastball (if you get my drift).

I will be in a relationship again. I can feel it. I have learned too much and come too far. I actually have a date on Saturday (obviously just tea) which I know sounds nuts but not if you sit with it for awhile.

I was once married and made a lot of money and as soon as that wellspring dried up I got dropped right quick. Currently I have nothing to offer but WHO I am. The money will come later (and I now feel confident it will because I got my “Lion” back). I’m just curious to meet some people (chances of meeting the right person are very slim…so please no “letters of concern”…”lighten up Francis” – it’s tea) while in my current situation – have some fun. And because I do not feel needy it is pretty easy for me.

I only suffer one of the “heats” – and it’s in the petrie dish – like good ole Cool Hand Luke at night.  



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