Never met a Person Who was Not a mess

LIFE

Not one, Not you. If I now you, you’re a mess.

Okay, I Know Darrell Johnson…he is not a mess…but he makes his life such. So it goes.

I love people and the are such effed up. Grace will save them all.

I once loved a woman more that any many I have known.  I wanted to grow old with her. Love of my life. She won’t acknowledge me now. Its okay. In time and beyond space she will get it

But not now. Not ever…here.

Faith, hope, love..these three abide way beyond me or you. Count on it.

I am dust.

~Mac

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This is what it takes…

Funny no hearts for me...

Two emergency room visits…8.9 mikes of walking, 4 bags of saline, some grace from my son. a possible referal to 7 days of detox (please if John Helicx in SF will finally have me…I have waited SOOOOO long).I have been treted with undeniable grace the last weeks.

It is BOTH my fault I decided to drink at 18) and not my fault at all (I am dual diacosgnosed Bi-polar 2). No on knew.

We are i’ ll gonna die. Me probably wayy sooner than you. But have hope sweet ones. Nothing is ultimately tragic given His resurrection. You are loved.

I said a cruel think to my Dad the other day. I was true…but I regretted it because it showed disrespect and you she never show your father disrespect.

Did my di teach me this? No. My Father in heaven did forhim.

So he said “yer gonna die!”  probably ture. . The I shot back “Yer 81…you’ll die before me.”

Disrespect. Rude and immature for me.

Only God orders these things.

But my Father in heaven was right. I disrespected my father on earth…and …shit…now i have to repent even though I am near death myself.

I will be dead soon enough. Then resurrected to new life in Christ. I wish I had done better…truly. I throw myself on love and grace.

Portland: cold, wet and no one has any sense of direction.

I’m not bitter…it is just weird. I have never been so cold, wet and sleep dreprived as in Portland That and hen you ask any Portlander for directions they look suddenly like a deer in the headlights…”Nope…sorry, no idea where the Safeway or Starbucks is”.

Just weird. And consistant. Like 100 out of 100 times: “No idea…er, ahhh no”.

What I did get was six months sober, a real program and a renewed faith (which I needed badly).

Guess I am testing that faith now going blind to Sacto.

Son Thomas and a few others think it a mistake. Others think that is dorky. I cannot decide. But I tried to make a go of it here. I am just too cold, wet and inebriated.

And no one here is gonna be able to tell me where the Amtrack is…clueless.

__________________

Plan?

Get to Sacto and find a detox center that undertands bi-polarity. Give myself over. Let people there love me.

Get better. Not happening here. And CityTeam, for all their help, admits they cannot help me. I am too “big” (whatever that means).

The Jig is up…

Lost my cellphone and I am  fairly ruined…

People wished they helped Spalding Gray before he threw himself in The Hudson…. well here is your chance.

Care.

Spuddy

Spalding Gray was mentally ill.  I don’t wanna follow him.

I just lost my phone. It’s disturbing .

I just wanna gio home to Sacramento.

Chris