Life here is very circus like punctuated by real dram, comedy, unbelievable daily feats and the usual clashing human personalities
I can see why some men give up and “go back out” but I have seen too much and have also found some inner freedom that can keep from the knee-deep bullshit of others.
Of course I have my own to deal with, but that is, I believe, essentially the point of most of the program. To the extent I get sucked into thinking about or evaluating others I am lost and will return to alcohol via resentment and self-rule.
I failed yesterday. Not the “real failure” of drinking (needed to remind myself of that), but rather a normal failure. I failed to re-clean the bathrooms after diner in preparation for the evening. To be sure it was a bit of a sucker punch as I do not know the job…but a failure is what it is.
Roger was not happy. “We call ourselves Christians and charge them $5 a night and they are faced with that?” he said aloud in a controlled burn. “Clean them now!”
Well, some older (yet younger) me would have dwelled on this. But I simply cleaned and determined to do a kickass job today.
Meanwhile one of the brothers, who I have listened to criticize others and particularly their motives, started in on me. Turns out his last criticism (the bathrooms) was dead on. The rest was pure emotional projection (aka: “Poo-poo No-no”).
Part of the program is learning NOT to take the inventory of others. This is huge. I am spiritually prone to NOT do so anyway, but others are not so fortunate. It grows and feeds on itself and makes them miserable. On the far side it invites all of us to self-pity, isolation in rage and judgment. So…we drink.
I don’t wanna drink again. I do not wanna feel any resentment again against any human being but deal straight up with “instances” and keep an extremely short list. This is for my own inner peace and also so I can see God.
That may sound strange, but it is a beatitude. Jesus says “Blessed are the pure of heart for they will see God.” When we think of “purity” we think of sex-less-ness in some way. Well in the most overtly sexualized culture that has ever existed on the planet that may well be true. But I would wager that anger, resentment and judgment are even deeper foes to purity of heart.
Resentment, and it’s bigger brother “Envy”, befoul the human heart, cloud the spiritual optic that only faith can provide and reduce God down to an idea to be used to justify spiritual murder and avarice. From there the fertile ground for lusts comes: sex, drugs, alcohol, food etc…for we have ceased long before from wanting God for God’s own sake in purity.
Today I need to work at my work; work at my recovery and keep my heart open to God and others. I do not need to defend that which is indefensible. I live by grace through faith. If anyone has a problem with that they can take it up directly with Jesus. He is most patient on such matters.
In the meantime, lest the larger picture be lost, it is a heavy workweek. 250 holiday food boxes to be processed and delivered; 300 homeless to be fed a Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday; 5 huge pallets of boxes filled with warm (new) coats just went out and we have our normal/regular work as well.
And the work does go on…which is why the bathrooms need to be cleaned and stocked at least twice a day.
Sans Adobe: A Homeless Journey 