July 9th: still reeling

No matter how you try or what you use as a defense, there are some experiences that just change you forever.

I have had a few of these. A few have been real grace and changed me forever that way…others have scarred me so deeply that I wonder how to press on at all.

Humor helps. And, as I have said a certain irrational trust in God even when you have placed yourself utterly in harms way all on your own given your freedom (peole blame God all day long for their own damned mess).

Well I am not yet emotionally repared to detail the events from 6 p.m. last Sunday through yesterday, or even today. On the good side it led in some ways to compassion and greter understanding for family members. I thought it might take a few years to make up with them after the “perfect storm” a few weeks ago.

My countenance finally FELL.

I understand why people give up. I spoke this a.m. to a man, very unhealthy. His meds were/are not working right at all. He is distraght..legitimately so…no drama. He paces. He needs a friend.

I told him I was leaving for a few days but would be back and take the time to listen to him.

I told him I did two things when I was overwhelmed with worry and anxiety. “I say the name of Jesus over and over in my mind because He is the purest sweetest thing I know”; and “I pray for his irrational peace to guard my heart”.

He took my hand and placed it on his shoulder as if I were a priest. “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be merciful to you. Amen brother” I said. “I will be back and you can tell me your whole story.”

This is not an easy world for anyone to negotiate no matter what your standing. We all end up dealing with the real issues of meaning, relationship, truth, life, death…


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